Submitted by Martha Stanley, Tallahassee, Florida

Idea posted November 18, 2004

I have said, and have heard, sentences in this category:

"When you guys know how to....get in line, raise your hand, follow instructions"...whatever. I'm keying in on the accuracy of the sentence: When they KNOW how to ______ .

What are they, blinking idiots? They didn't learn in kindergarten how to walk in line, raise their hands, follow instructions, and avoid kicking their neighbors? THEY KNOW HOW!

I think there's a very subtle insult embedded in the "you don't know how to" sentence. Of course they know how. Let's not insult them as we correct them. Let's set it up so that our words are accurate.

Change it to: WHEN you raise your hand, WHEN you get in line, etc. (Just skip the "know how" part.)

Also the reason they don't get in line, raise the hand, etc., is not because they can't. It's because they won't or they don't want to. I don't WANT to get in line. I don't WANT to raise my hand. I don't WANT to resist the impulse to push the kid in front of me. I'm not stupid and incapable, I'm just willful.

CAN'T is not the same as WON'T. Can't points toward weakness; won't points toward power. The child is in control of his/her power. Acknowledge that and work with it.

One of the four essential emotional needs that we all have, including kids, is a sense of personal power. Acknowledge that need with correctly phrased language. Hold the students accountable nonetheless, even as you address the personal power issue.

Another variation or two:

  • "Show me that you will get in line, " and not "Show me if you can get in line."
  • "We'll do 'The Freeze' when you finish this other part of the lesson," not "We'll do 'The Freeze' if you can get through it."

Let's make our language really clear and give the kid a dead-on accurate picture of his/her behavior. Put the entire burden for student behavior on the student; no sloppy thinking and no excuses. The difference is subtle and yet key, in my opinion. We think in words, so it is important to give kids the proper and accurate words with which to think. That way it is crystal clear where their responsibility lies. Plant the truth in them with all due respect for their personhood.